NFL: Week 1 picks

I’m a big football fan, and I’ve been meaning to do something fun with it on here for a while. So during the season, I’m going to make (at times irreverent) picks for each weekly game. Yes, I missed the Broncos demolishing the Ravens, but I won’t retroactively pick Denver…though, really, I totally would’ve picked Denver. I mean, the Ravens defense will be in therapy for weeks coping with that one.

These are straight-up picks, no spreads, and for the love of Asimov don’t actually bet anything based on this.

New England at Buffalo: Tom Brady’s chin-dimple rules all.

Cincinnati at Chicago: Jay Cutler’s ennui will depress the other team.

Miami at Cleveland: Apathy. (The ‘Fins, in other words.)

Minnesota at Detroit: Megatron, because it’s a geek meme.

Oakland at Indianapolis: The Raiders couldn’t pillage a rowboat.

Atlanta at New Orleans: Big Easy, but it won’t be easy.

Tampa Bay at NY Jets: Revis will feast on the bones of his former team.

Pittsburgh at Tennessee: Iron City Beer isn’t great. But good enough here.

Seattle at Carolina: Bad kitty. No win.

Kansas City at Jacksonville: Worse kitty. Worse loss.

Arizona at St. Louis: Ever watch a Ram butt heads with a Cardinal? Not good for the bird.

Green Bay at San Francisco: Colin Kaepernick’s right-bicep tattoo. Not the left. He doesn’t need the left.

NY Giants at Dallas: Jerry Jones’ aviator sunglasses can see through your soul.

Philadelphia at Washington: Mike Shanahan’s leathery tan will scare the other team into dermatology appointments by halftime.

Houston at San Diego: Arian Foster’s veganism and peaceful demeanor lulls opponents into introspection.

Last week’s record: n/a

Season record: n/a

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