Now that everyone in the league has played at least four games, we can start to see some patterns emerge. For example:
- Peyton Manning is actually Hawkeye, with that scary level of accuracy. Or a Life Model Decoy.
- The Giants are now the Bizarro Giants, because obviously someone switched ’em. Call Superman.
- Seemingly the only thing wrong with Kansas City is that garish shade of red they use. It’s also the shade the Imperial Guard used in Return of the Jedi.
- The Browns really are browncoats. Just when things are looking up, they get a bad break. Keep flying.
- I feel like I should make a Tony Romo quip here, but he really played his heart out. Next time, man.
On with the picks! (Winners in italics.)
N.Y. Giants at Chicago: Hey, New Yorkers, instead of watching the game, I suggest this cat video. The laughs will be less rueful.
Cincinnati at Buffalo: This is exactly the kind of game the Bengals would lose after taking out two playoff contenders. But not this week.
Detroit at Cleveland: Tywin Lannister would not let last week’s failures go unavenged, and the injury-plagued Starks…er, Browns…are just the ticket.
Oakland at Kansas City: Andy Reid and Commissioner Gordon have the same mustache. This cannot be mere coincidence.
Carolina at Minnesota: Loki has been fiddling with the Vikings’ quarterback situation. And, lo, he laughs.
Pittsburgh at N.Y. Jets: I know, I don’t believe it either, but the Jets are transforming from Monty Python to the Magnificent Seven. Except there are 52 of them. You get the idea.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay: The Bucs would be better off with Jack Sparrow as coach.
Green Bay at Baltimore: The Angry Birds are getting some swagger back. The cheese has surprising holes in it.
St. Louis at Houston: Just the shiny opponent Houston needs to feel better about itself.
Jacksonville at Denver: This is like calling in the Avengers to handle a schoolyard fight.
Tennessee at Seattle: Even the best operating system crashes now and then. Seattle will reboot.
Arizona at San Francisco: The Niners own Warded Man will have a field day against the Cards defense.
New Orleans at New England: If this is on your TV, do not watch cat videos instead. This should be awesome. Except for Brady’s haircut. What gives?
Washington at Dallas: Seriously, Washington, change the name. Not that it’ll help you this week, but still.
Indianapolis at San Diego: San Diego may be classy, but Indy’s actually consistent and, you know, good.
Last week’s record: 9-5
Season record: 51-25
Michael J. Martinez 