NFL: Week 9 picks

We’re halfway through the season, give or take, which is a great time to take stock. Kansas City is atop the league with a perfect 8-0 record, but the second half of the season, chock full of tough opponents, makes me think the schedule is all kinds of Admiral Ackbar. (“It’s a trap!”) At some point, the Chiefs will be proven mortal.

Right now, I like the Saints and Broncos to meet in the Super Bowl here in the greater New York City area, i.e. New Jersey. The Broncos will off Indianapolis in the championship game, with the Bengals, Chiefs, Patriots and Chargers making it into the postseason but coming up short. New Orleans will beat Seattle for the NFC title, with Green Bay, San Francisco, Detroit and whatever mediocrity the NFC East coughs up falling along the way.

Of course, I could be wrong. This could all be hubris after picking well last week. And as I’ve said frequently, please don’t bet on any of these predictions, as they’re basically a product of how I’m feeling on any given day.

Now…on with this week’s picks! (Winners in italics.)

Cincinnati at Miami: So long, Dolphins, and thanks for all the fish.

Kansas City at Buffalo: When I think of K.C., I think of barbecue. And then I can’t think of anything funny to write here, because I’m thinking I really want barbecue now.

Minnesota at Dallas: The Mighty Thor sees the travesty of a team foisted upon his people and grips Mjolnir menacingly.

Tennessee at St. LouisThe Rams nearly played spoiler to Seattle. The Titans are puny gods in comparison.

New Orleans at N.Y. Jets: The battle of coaching brothers reminds me of Spock and his half-brother in Star Trek V. What…you don’t remember that one? Probably because it kind of sucked.

San Diego at Washington: The Chargers…they’re alive. ALIVE! (Washington, however, is not.)

Atlanta at Carolina: Cam Newton’s Superman schtick seems to be working. And the Falcons aren’t kryptonite this year.

Philadelphia at OaklandChip Kelly was hailed as a genius coach. Norman Osborne was a genius, too, and kept getting foiled by a high-school kid in tights. ‘Nuff said. Excelsior!

Tampa Bay at Seattle: I think the owners are ready to hurl the coach down an exhaust shaft. (And seriously, Emperor Palpatine, who puts an exhaust shaft in a throne room?)

Baltimore at Cleveland: Coming off the bye week, the Angry Birds are ready for launch.

Pittsburgh at New EnglandOne lucky fan at Foxboro will receive a golden ticket and win the chance to play wideout for the game! (Medical waiver required.)

Indianapolis at Houston: The Texans’ QBs to date have enjoyed the accuracy of your average Imperial Stormtrooper.

Chicago at Green BayThat whole “discount double-check” thing is just annoying now. Defenses always felt that way about Rodgers, though.

Last week’s record: 11-2 (best record this season!)

Season record: 82-37 (As it turns out, I’m doing better than all but one of these guys. I’m available for next season, FYI.)

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