NFL GeekPicks: Week 1

Welcome to the second annual series of football picks on this blog, now conveniently and oh-so-creatively filed under the new name GeekPicks. Yes, I am a football fan. And I’m a geek. Plus, I have a platform and – stand back! – I’m not afraid to use it! So I’m doing it again this year.

What you’ll get here is a weekly win-or-lose pick on each NFL game, accompanied by geeky pop-culture commentary. No, I don’t pick against the spread. No, you really shouldn’t use my picks as the basis for any wagering, because that just weirds me out and you will lose money. I don’t need that kind of pressure.This is for fun, y’all.

So what can we expect this season? Honestly, I see more of the same, with maybe a wrinkle or two here and there. If you want to skip to the end, I’ll tell you that, as of right now, my picks for the division champs are Philly, Green Bay, New Orleans and Seattle in the NFC, and New England, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis and Denver in the AFC. My wild-card picks are Chicago and San Francisco for the NFC and San Diego and Baltimore for the AFC.

Oh, and I think Seattle can repeat as Super Bowl champs. I wasn’t a believer last year, but the way they handled Denver was just astonishing.

I think Kansas City and Carolina regress this year, while Pittsburgh and Baltimore get it together. I think the NFC is pretty much status-quo, though I’m keeping a weather eye on Arizona and Atlanta for possible improvement.

Somehow, I didn’t manage to compile my Week 17 record from last year, and I’m too lazy to do it now, but I’m happy to report that, generally speaking, I did better in my picks than the majority of these guys, who are highly paid to prognosticate.

Alright, enough talk. Let’s do this! (Winners in italics.)

Green Bay at Seattle: I want Richard Sherman’s rant as my ring tone. Also, I think while Aaron Rodgers and the Pack will be excellent this year, Seattle is excellent at home, and this is their coming-out party as Super Bowl champs.

New Orleans at Atlanta: The Angry Birds (i.e. Atlanta) are angry about last season’s abysmal record, but the Saints are stocked and ready to go. A road win would be a great start, given how dominant New Orleans is Under The Dome. (There will be a lot of Under The Dome jokes this year. Sorry.)

Minnesota at St. Louis: One must remind one’s self that every game is relevant in Week 1. The Rams get the nod only because they’re at home. If this is on in your locale, I suggest a Sleepy Hollow rewatch instead.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Johnny Football…is not starting, and that’s fine. His Han Solo renegade schtick is already old. You failed out of an open competition to be the starter, kid. Don’t get cocky.

Jacksonville at Philadelphia: The Eagles will dance through this one like Peter Quill in the opening credits sequence of Guardians of the Galaxy.

Oakland at N.Y. Jets: I’ve mustered up the energy to care only because I live in the NYC area. And Oakland is going to be pretty easy to bet against this year.

Cincinnati at Baltimore: The other Angry Birds (i.e. the Ravens) seem like they should be poised to do something, and I just have a hard time believing in Cincy.

Buffalo at Chicago: This will be as exciting as one of those Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes where they solve the problem at hand by debating it in the conference room behind the bridge.

Washington at Houston: Houston has a ferocious defense, but its offense misfires more than an Imperial Stormtrooper. I think the Redshirts (really, Washington, change the damn name already) can squeak this one out.

Tennessee at Kansas City: The Titans have more question marks than the season finale of Agents of SHIELD. The Chiefs have a few as well, but should be able to cover them up well here.

New England at Miami: The rest of the AFC East would love to picture Bill Belichick as Emperor Palpatine and Tom Brady as Darth Vader. And you know what? That’s pretty close. But Miami ain’t blowing up the reactor core on Sunday.

Carolina at Tampa Bay: The Jack Sparrows (i.e. Bucs) may yet right themselves under Lovie Smith, who has the best name for football coaching ever, but the Panthers won’t be the place to start.

San Francisco at Dallas: Honestly, this could go either way. Do we know who’s playing defense for S.F.? So many have been suspended or arrested or whatnot. Meanwhile, Jerry Jones is ready to whip off his mirrorshades and use his eye-lasers to fry his coach at any moment.

Indianapolis at Denver: The Chosen One (i.e. Andrew Luck) would love to come in and hand it to Manning, just to get all those folks still wearing No. 18 Colts jerseys to pony up for new ones. But Denver at home? That’s not a moon…it’s a SPACE STATION.

N.Y. Giants at Detroit: The Lannisters (i.e. Lions) have a new coach and a lot of the same issues that plagued them last season. The Giants, well…one dares to hope, but they’ve already been beset by injury. And it’s Week 1.

San Diego at Arizona: This ought to be a good game, actually, except for the fact that it’ll start well past my bedtime here on the East Coast. If only I could borrow the TARDIS.

Think I’m insane? Want to opine? Use the comment section below.