Here’s a little stat for you: the New England Patriots are at the bottom of the AFC East for the first time since the Big Bang. Tell me you predicted this, I dare you.
Meanwhile, Tony Romo and Alex Smith were giving out footballs to the opposing team as if they were kids on Halloween seeking candy. They looked bad. We’re talking Phantom Menace bad. Jar Jar could’ve been the offensive coordinator for either Dallas or Kansas City and there might not have been a difference.
On the brighter side, both Cleveland and Jacksonville look like gamers, despite the losses. That’s no guarantee they’ll suddenly win games, but it makes for better viewing than late-season episodes of The X-Files. And hey, I was exceptionally wrong about Minnesota being boring. I can own that.
In fact, I had an 8-8 week in predictions, so I was wrong about half the time. That’ll teach you to put any stock into my prognostications. But hey, why not – here’s some more:
Pittsburgh at Baltimore: I thought the Angry Birds would step up, but instead they got whupped by the league equivalent of Bad Piggies. The Steelers will be less forgiving.
Miami at Buffalo: Who thought these two teams would blow up their respective Death Stars in Week 1? Not me. Miami gets the edge for simply being more complete on both sides of the ball.
Jacksonville at Washington: This could go either way, really, as Jax showed far more moxie than the Redshirts last week. I’m just not up for trusting the Jaguars quite yet. Still, you could always watch Saturday’s Doctor Who episode again.
Dallas at Tennessee: Jerry Jones is about five minutes away from going full Terminator on his coach. This won’t help matters, as Tennessee is looking more like John Connor each day.
Arizona at N.Y. Giants: Oh, Giants. You are not Groot.
New England at Minnesota: The valiant dead of Valhalla cheered on the Vikings last week, but New England is angry. Expect a touch of Ragnarok from the visitors.
New Orleans at Cleveland: Another team that should’ve won, but didn’t, against a team that kept it close, but lost as expected. It’s a potential upset, but the Browncoats will come up short again.
Atlanta at Cincinnati: More Angry Birds for the Bengals to whack.
Detroit at Carolina: I thought the Kitties would regress, and I may have been wrong. Not “It’s not a moon; it’s a space station” wrong, but close.
St. Louis at Tampa Bay: Jack Sparrow’s favorite team gets a fat merchantman to plunder.
Seattle at San Diego: Hoo-boy. The Seahawks dismantled Green Bay like Kaylee takes apart an engine. Seattle keeps flying.
Houston at Oakland: Houston may not exactly be Iron Man’s Hulkbuster armor, but the Raiders are like the prototype Mark 1. No contest.
N.Y. Jets at Green Bay: The Jets looked decent against Oakland last week, but this will be like playing 3-D chess against Spock.
Kansas City at Denver: You could have Captain America at quarterback and the Flash at running back and still not find a way for the Chiefs to beat the Broncos.
Chicago at San Francisco: Colin “The Warded Man” Kaepernick remains the real deal, and the Niners defense looks stout, even with what seems like half the starters suspended or in rehab.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis: Mounting a comeback when down by 17 is laudable; having to do it against Jacksonville is not. And Indy is no Jacksonville.
Last week’s record: 8-8
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Michael J. Martinez 