If you’ve had any doubt that perhaps my NFL picks shouldn’t be used for anything other than mild entertainment — and certainly not for laying wagers — my record over 32 games should firm things up. I’m at .500, which means a monkey with a dartboard could do just as well, though hopefully with less panache.
But seriously, the Bills lead the AFC East? The Texans are undefeated? The Browns beat the Saints? What. The. Hell.
On the bright side, I do feel like I’m getting a handle on this season so far. The Chargers are good. Carolina is better than expected; Kansas City is far worse. Oakland…well, sorry. Still, I think it takes about 4-5 games for a team to figure things out, which means I’ll probably have more 8-8 weeks.
Anyway, here we go:
Tampa Bay at Atlanta: Atlanta was crippled last year. This year, they’re proving that if they can’t walk, they can fly. (Points for identifying an obscure, oblique reference.)
San Diego at Buffalo: If Buffalo wins, it’s proof they’re from a mirror universe in which the Bills are good. Check them for goatees.
Dallas at St. Louis: Hey, guess what? Dallas is a decent team when the QB doesn’t hand out turnovers left and right. In other news, Star Trek may have had a slight impact on pop culture.
Washington at Philadelphia: The interesting thing is that Washington is a better team with their backup under center. He might have a slow start, like Agents of SHIELD, but D.C. will be worth watching.
Houston at N.Y. Giants: Raise your hand if you thought the Texans would be 2-0. Thought so. We all felt the same way about The Phantom Menace and…well, we were right. It sucked. The Texans might not.
Minnesota at New Orleans: So far, the Saints are 0-2, but both games were on the road. Let’s see if the Saints’ immense Under the Dome-field advantage is still good.
Tennessee at Cincinnati: If you’re calling yourselves the Bengals, I do hope you serve India Pale Ale in your stadium. Oh, and even if you don’t, Cincy will still win. (But seriously, more good beer in NFL stadiums, please.)
Baltimore at Cleveland: The Ravens are infuriating to predict. One week, they play like they’re mired in molasses, the next week they’re the Flash. The Browns could upset…but could isn’t enough. Not yet.
Green Bay at Detroit: I’m still waiting for Megatron to actually transform into something. Even a Cuisinart would be interesting.
Indianapolis at Jacksonville: There’s nothing like the Jags for whatever ails the Colts. A Jags win here would feel out of place, like Ichabod Crane in skinny jeans.
Oakland at New England: You just know that any brief sense of victory Oakland might have in this game will be quashed as quickly, unexpectedly and brutally as Wash died in Serenity.
Denver at Seattle: Another potential upset here, and no doubt Manning will want to dissect Seattle like a lightsaber against a pot roast. Hard to go against the ‘Hawks at home, though.
Kansas City at Miami: We’re starting to see that, with regard to K.C., the Emperor has no clothes. And no Force lightning, either.
Pittsburgh at Carolina: The Steelers nearly lost to the Browns, and fell down against Baltimore. It’s like they only have 12 percent of a plan. And they’re not Star-Lord.
Chicago at N.Y. Jets: The visiting Bears aren’t as threatening as a MUTO showing up or anything, but the Jets aren’t Godzilla, either.
Last week’s record: 8-8
Season record: 16-16
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Michael J. Martinez 