Did anybody else have the Benny Hill song in their head as the Colts tried their fake punt against the Patriots last week? It was a masterful work of bumbling about, somehow even more pie-in-the-face than the last episode of Doctor Who, which needless to say, I didn’t like very much.
Speaking of bumbling, let’s hear it for the Seahawks and Giants, two teams with the opportunity to begin breaking out of the pack and failing worse than Stormtroopers at target practice. I’m particularly disappointed in the Seahawks, whose offensive line is letting more folks in than the crumbling walls of Helm’s Deep.
Now, on with the picks. (Winners in italics.)
Seattle at San Francisco: An angry Seattle defense is going to make amends for last week with a drubbing of the even more hapless 49ers, Helm’s Deep notwithstanding.
Buffalo at Jacksonville: I want to see the TARDIS materialize on the 50-yard-line at halftime. Make it happen, BBC.
Tampa Bay at Washington: Might I suggest a Red Dwarf or Stargate: SG1 marathon in lieu of watching this game?
Atlanta at Tennessee: I’m still high on Marcus Mariota, but the rest of the team needs to take off the invisibility rings and show up.
New Orleans at Indianapolis: The cure for what ails you is a team worse than your own.
Minnesota at Detroit: The Lannisters won last week! Against Chicago, though. Whereas the Vikings are living up to their Asgardian forebears of late.
Pittsburgh at Kansas City: Introducing the new running back for the Chiefs: BB-8. Even without arms, possibly more effective.
Cleveland at St. Louis: As much as I love the Browncoats, they’re not ready to win on the road against decent teams yet.
Houston at Miami: Let’s hear it for scapegoats! All of a sudden, Miami is possessed by the souls of their ’72 edition. Well, probably not, but the motivation is nice to see.
N.Y. Jets at New England: Boy, winning here would be such a statement for Gang Green. They’re close, but just like Anakin Skywalker, they’re not ready to be Jedi Masters yet.
Oakland at San Diego: The Raiders’ offense is not that of the Packers, while the Chargers’ offense is scary good. San Diego stays classy.
Dallas at N.Y. Giants: Speaking of statement games, it’s safe to say that if the Giants can’t beat the depleted, struggling Cowboys at home, their season is as doomed as any attempt at making a good Fantastic Four film.
Baltimore at Arizona: Maybe they’ll show another Star Wars trailer at halftime.
Last week’s record: 10-4
Season record: 56-35, and crawling back to respectability among these folks.
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Michael J. Martinez 