Now, don’t get me wrong — there was some fantastic football happening last week. Upsets are a beautiful thing to watch. And did you see the Patriots-Giants game? I want every goddamn football game televised to have that same level of excitement and tension. It was crazy good.
But from a prognostication standpoint, well…I sucked last week. This is my third season of blogging picks, and it was my worst week ever. In my defense, I thought Peyton Manning was back, but this was a mirage; the Mirror Universe Peyton was back, throwing four picks against Kansas City at home en route to benching and defeat. The Redskins beat the Saints, the Jags beat the Ravens, even the lowly Lions beat the Packers.
Again, we had some immensely entertaining contests. but I want to be right, not entertained!
Anyway, on with the horrible picks. (Alleged winners in italics.)
Tennessee at Jacksonville: Oh, God, I have to pick between these two? It’s actually a game being played on television? Whatever. I don’t care. This is madness. Madness.
Oakland at Detroit: I’m just so used to picking against the Raiders, I almost picked the Lions. Almost. Take the Black.
Indianapolis at Atlanta: Angry Birds against the Luckless Colts, featuring a suspect Indy defense.
N.Y. Jets at Houston: It’s a new NFL rule that of the spare allotment of wins the Texans receive, one must be used on the Bengals. This is good news for the Jets.
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia: Seriously, Tampa won last week, Philly didn’t, and life is just full of strange surprises and why do I bother? The ennui!
Denver at Chicago: Brock Osweiler will be under center this week for the Broncos. Good football name, that. More importantly, the Denver D remains excellent, and the Bears have more question marks than the Doctor’s sweater vest.
St. Louis at Baltimore: Nick Foles was benched too, and now Case Keenum will start at QB. Also a good football name, but the Ravens have the better defense — and offense — here, so long as they remember how to play.
Dallas at Miami: Welcome back, Tony Romo.
Washington at Carolina: Superman has morphed into Dance Dance Revolution, and we’ll see plenty of moves this Sunday.
Kansas City at San Diego: Another thing for me to wrap my head around — KC isn’t bad, and the Chargers just might be.
Green Bay at Minnesota: This is an absolute must-win for the Pack, and I still believe they’re good enough to win it. Of course, that’s what Mal thought about Serenity Valley, but still.
San Francisco at Seattle: The 49ers are the cure for what ails most teams, i.e. losing.
Cincinnati at Arizona: This is based on last week’s results. Arizona beat a better team than the one the Bengals lost to. Ergo, Angry Birds II for the win.
Buffalo at New England: Rex Ryan will find new reasons to respect Bill after this one.
Last week’s record: Can we not talk about this now? Really? Fine. 2-12. Shut up. And thank you for not losing, Panthers and Steelers.
Season record: 86-60, and still better than a couple of these guys despite the carnage.