NFL: Week 5 picks

I think the Browncoats should adopt the Cleveland Browns as their official NFL team.

Think about it: Both the crew of Serenity (from the series Firefly, for those heathens out there) and the Browns are populated by failures and castoffs. Both are never expected to win. And yet through little more than pluck and ingenuity, they manage to keep their heads above water. 

The Browns are 2-2. Given Cleveland’s record of abysmal failure since rejoining the league after the old Browns decamped to Baltimore, that’s pretty darn good. The 2013 edition has managed to trade its starting running back and put the third-string quarterback in as the starter — and they’re 2-0 since. What’s not to love?

Keep flying, Browns.

On with the picks! (Winner in italics.)

Buffalo at Cleveland: What are we? Big Damn Heroes. Ain’t we just.

New Orleans at Chicago: Drew Brees gets the headlines, but that defense is playing frighteningly well.

New England at Cincinnati: The Bengals defense, meanwhile, is playing like the Rebels on Hoth.

Detroit at Green BayThe Lannisters attend their own Red Wedding.

Kansas City at Tennessee: Andy Reid’s mustache is becoming as iconic as Mirror Spock’s beard.

Seattle at Indianapolis: Indy’s rolling and Seattle needed serious mojo to beat Houston last week.

Jacksonville at St. LouisDo you really want to be the team who gives up a win to the Jags? I didn’t think so.

Baltimore at MiamiThe Angry Birds’ aim is weak these days. Miami can make them pay.

Philadelphia at N.Y. GiantsThe Blur’s Kryptonite is basically that they have no defense.

Carolina at ArizonaIf this were on TV around here, I’d watch old episodes of Star Trek: Enterprise.

Denver at Dallas: Jerry Jones will try to use his aviator shades to bore lasers into Peyton Manning. It won’t work.

Houston at San Francisco: That steer on Houston’s helmets is quickly turning into underdone brisket.

San Diego at Oakland: The only way Oakland wins is if Benedict Cumberbatch arrives in a shuttlecraft and blows up the Chargers.

N.Y. Jets at Atlanta: The Jets’ receivers have been signed as extras on The Walking Dead. 

Tampa Bay on a bye: Given their deterioration, the Bucs may end up losing this weekend anyway. (Pittsburgh, Minnesota and Washington are also idle.)

Last week’s record: 9-6

Season record: 42-20

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