Last week is an excellent indication of why you should never follow my picks for anything other than entertainment and geek-culture references. A 9-7 record does not, in fact, make me a worthy prognosticator.
Then again, who thought the Giants would meltdown on such an epic scale? Who thought the Browns could win a game after trading their starting running back and starting their third-string quarterback? At least Denver still seems like a lock, with Peyton Manning using Jedi mind tricks to pick apart defenses on a frighteningly consistent basis.
On with the picks! (Projected winners in italics.)
San Francisco at St. Louis: If the Niners lose this one, Harbaugh will literally explode, like that guy in the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. pilot.
Baltimore at Buffalo: I think the Angry Birds are finding a rhythm. This should scare the rest of the league.
Cincinnati at Cleveland: If the Browns find a way to win this one, they should let the practice squad start and see what happens next.
Chicago at Detroit: Total toss-up here. Going with the Lannisters…er…Lions.
N.Y. Giants at Kansas City: Folks looking for consistent play from the Giants through the year could get their wish — they could be consistently bad.
Pittsburgh vs. Minnesota: London is stoked for this epic clash…of 0-3 teams. That’s OK. I don’t understand cricket, either.
Arizona at Tampa Bay: The Bucs’ ship is this close to running aground.
Indianapolis at Jacksonville: Time for the Jags to cut their losses, head north and join the Night’s Watch. They’ll take anybody.
Seattle at Houston: Should be a great game, but I think it’s time for Seattle to lose one.
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee: For all those worried about the Jets having a winning record, the universe will be put aright this weekend.
Philadelphia at Denver: Peyton Manning. The greatest Big Damn Hero since Mal & Co.
Washington at Oakland: Al Davis is in Valhalla, spilling his mead as he shouts at his team from on high.
Dallas at San Diego: Jerry Jones may think he looks like Agent Phil Coulson in those aviator shades. But he doesn’t. There’s only one Coulson. (Unless he’s now a Life Model Decoy…?)
New England at Atlanta: The Patriots could very well win this, but Atlanta needs the win more, and they’re at home.
Miami at New Orleans: Sean Payton is firmly back in the captain’s chair. Warp nine!
Last week’s record: 9-7
Season record: 33-14
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Michael J. Martinez 