Well, look who’s getting hot late in the season — me.
I went 13-3 two weeks ago and 14-2 this time out, and my season record is better than most of these guys, who are paid to prognosticate about football. Will someone please pay me for this? Anyone? Bueller?
We start this week’s slate with…potentially the worst game to ever be televised in prime time. I sincerely doubt that a pair of 2-12 teams have ever been featured in such a time slot. I remember getting excited to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation each week, back when it was first-run, but even that fine series had a clunker or two where they just talked about feelings and then dropped in a computer problem — no cool aliens, battles or alien worlds. The feelings I felt then are probably what you’ll feel if you watch tonight.
You have been warned. On with the picks. (Winners in italics.)
Tennessee at Jacksonville: I’m picking only because I must. Though I will say that the Jags have more upside at the moment.
Philadelphia at Washington: Nothing like the D.C. team to make your playoff picture a little brighter.
San Diego at San Francisco: What an amazing collapse on the part of the Niners. Like the walls of Eisengard in the flood.
Minnesota at Miami: The Asgardians are no longer feared.
Baltimore at Houston: Potential trap game for the Angry Birds. They’re up for it.
Detroit at Chicago: The Bears are are officially a tear-down project.
Cleveland at Carolina: Boy, that Johnny Football! He’s just…uh…Good Lord. It’s like putting Jayne in charge of Serenity.
Atlanta at New Orleans: Two losing teams battle with the playoffs on the line. That’s kind of crazy, but I like it.
Green Bay at Tampa Bay: The battle of the bays will result in a sunken Jack Sparrow.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh: Another trap game, but I see the Steelers gutting it out.
New England at N.Y. Jets: Yes, this will be shown in my local market. Maybe I’ll watch old Who episodes.
N.Y. Giants at St. Louis: I think this is winnable for New York, but it’ll be a tough game. Perhaps even an entertaining one.
Buffalo at Oakland: I kind of want to see Buffalo sneak into the playoffs. That defense is scary good.
Indianapolis at Dallas: I’m only putting the ‘Boys here because the Colts already locked up the division and Dallas hasn’t. Motivation, y’all.
Seattle at Arizona: Unfortunately, feeding a third-string QB to the Seattle D is like throwing Jabba’s goons to the Sarlaac.
Denver at Cincinnati: A must-win for the Bengals, but…dude, it’s Manning.
Last week’s record: 14-2
Season record: 150-72 (C’mon, ESPN. I’m available next season. Call me.)