Well, look who’s getting hot late in the season — me.
I went 13-3 two weeks ago and 14-2 this time out, and my season record is better than most of these guys, who are paid to prognosticate about football. Will someone please pay me for this? Anyone? Bueller?
*crickets*
Fine.
We start this week’s slate with…potentially the worst game to ever be televised in prime time. I sincerely doubt that a pair of 2-12 teams have ever been featured in such a time slot. I remember getting excited to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation each week, back when it was first-run, but even that fine series had a clunker or two where they just talked about feelings and then dropped in a computer problem — no cool aliens, battles or alien worlds. The feelings I felt then are probably what you’ll feel if you watch tonight.
You have been warned. On with the picks. (Winners in italics.)
Tennessee at Jacksonville: I’m picking only because I must. Though I will say that the Jags have more upside at the moment.
Philadelphia at Washington: Nothing like the D.C. team to make your playoff picture a little brighter.
San Diego at San Francisco: What an amazing collapse on the part of the Niners. Like the walls of Eisengard in the flood.
Minnesota at Miami: The Asgardians are no longer feared.
Baltimore at Houston: Potential trap game for the Angry Birds. They’re up for it.
Detroit at Chicago: The Bears are are officially a tear-down project.
Cleveland at Carolina: Boy, that Johnny Football! He’s just…uh…Good Lord. It’s like putting Jayne in charge of Serenity.
Atlanta at New Orleans: Two losing teams battle with the playoffs on the line. That’s kind of crazy, but I like it.
Green Bay at Tampa Bay: The battle of the bays will result in a sunken Jack Sparrow.
Kansas City at Pittsburgh: Another trap game, but I see the Steelers gutting it out.
New England at N.Y. Jets: Yes, this will be shown in my local market. Maybe I’ll watch old Who episodes.
N.Y. Giants at St. Louis: I think this is winnable for New York, but it’ll be a tough game. Perhaps even an entertaining one.
Buffalo at Oakland: I kind of want to see Buffalo sneak into the playoffs. That defense is scary good.
Indianapolis at Dallas: I’m only putting the ‘Boys here because the Colts already locked up the division and Dallas hasn’t. Motivation, y’all.
Seattle at Arizona: Unfortunately, feeding a third-string QB to the Seattle D is like throwing Jabba’s goons to the Sarlaac.
Denver at Cincinnati: A must-win for the Bengals, but…dude, it’s Manning.
Last week’s record: 14-2
Season record: 150-72 (C’mon, ESPN. I’m available next season. Call me.)
