Category Archives: Football

All hail the Denver Broncos.

Denver gave the Kansas City Chiefs the Alderaan treatment last weekend, knocking off the NFL’s last undefeated team in convincing fashion. OK, so maybe it wasn’t an Alderaan-style obliteration, but the Broncos made it clear who’s in charge of the division and the conference, if not the entire league. Call it a Hoth-level event.

On the other end of the spectrum, the scrappy New York Giants have won four straight, and are a game and a half out of first place in the woeful NFC east. At 4-6, it’s not unreasonable to think they stand a chance of making the playoffs.

As history has shown, the best teams don’t always succeed in the postseason. In fact, while Peyton Manning has the numbers and the regular season record to be a lock for Canton, little brother Eli has two shiny rings to Peyton’s one. Once the playoffs start, it’s totally up for grabs.

That said, there’s still six weeks to go before the playoffs, so on with the picks! (Winners in italics.)

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Kirk vs. Khan. Luke vs. Vader. Malcolm Reynolds vs. pretty much everybody. Weatherby and Jain vs. Cagliostro. Frodo vs. the One Ring (which is a bit of a stretch, granted).

And now…the Denver Broncos vs. the Kansas City Chiefs. Another epic battle is coming Sunday night, allegedly. But that said, I’m not sure how epic it will be.

The Chiefs’ offense has been very weak sauce the past few games, and Denver’s defense is better, if only by so much. The real battle comes down to the Chiefs’ incredible defense against Peyton Manning, who might as well be a Terminator for his ruthless efficiency this year. Until proven otherwise, you have to give it to Manning. This might actually be a low-scoring game, but I say Denver wins convincingly.

On with the rest of the picks! (Winners in italics.)

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This is what I get for boasting about my picking prowess.

One week after posting an 11-2 record in my week 8 picks, I go 6-7 last week. Now, to be fair, I don’t think anybody saw Nick Foles putting up seven touchdowns against Oakland, or Aaron Rodgers getting hurt in his first series Monday night. Or the Browncoats pulling off a heist against Baltimore. But still…I feel shame.

Nonetheless, I am undeterred. Because, really, this is just all in good fun. And besides, you didn’t actually bet real money on my picks, did you? If so, you totally had it coming.

On with the picks, laden with geek references! (Winners are in italics)

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We’re halfway through the season, give or take, which is a great time to take stock. Kansas City is atop the league with a perfect 8-0 record, but the second half of the season, chock full of tough opponents, makes me think the schedule is all kinds of Admiral Ackbar. (“It’s a trap!”) At some point, the Chiefs will be proven mortal.

Right now, I like the Saints and Broncos to meet in the Super Bowl here in the greater New York City area, i.e. New Jersey. The Broncos will off Indianapolis in the championship game, with the Bengals, Chiefs, Patriots and Chargers making it into the postseason but coming up short. New Orleans will beat Seattle for the NFC title, with Green Bay, San Francisco, Detroit and whatever mediocrity the NFC East coughs up falling along the way.

Of course, I could be wrong. This could all be hubris after picking well last week. And as I’ve said frequently, please don’t bet on any of these predictions, as they’re basically a product of how I’m feeling on any given day.

Now…on with this week’s picks! (Winners in italics.)

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Part of the joy of football for me are the storylines. I like scrappy underdogs. I like guys having late-career excellence. I like unstoppable forces and unmovable objects. I like the chess matches going on between coaches, between the lines, between individual players.

That’s why I want to see the Giants go on a tear. I want to see them run the table and make the most improbable playoff run in their long, storied history of improbable playoff runs. I want to see the Steelers firm up and go for it. I really want to see the Browns do something…anything. (Though their QB situation makes that unlikely.) I want Peyton Manning to hoist that trophy one more time.

Maybe none of that will happen. But that’s why they play the games.

On with the picks! (Winners in italics.):

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This is the week, Giants fans.  No, really. I mean it.

I know, it’s hard to believe in Big Blue these days. Major line issues on both sides of the ball, injured running backs left and right, and it seems like the next promotional stunt to fill seats will be “Catch an Eli Manning Interception Day!”

Yet here come the Minnesota Vikings, a team with one more win and 99 more problems. Monday night, the Vikes visit the Meadowlands with major defensive and quarterback issues. This is, as a famous pirate once said, an opportune moment. And a desperate Giants team should have no problem dispatching a Vikings team as underpowered as Thor without Mjolnir.

Of course, I’ve been wrong before. And with that said, on with this week’s picks! (Winners in italics.)

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Now that everyone in the league has played at least four games, we can start to see some patterns emerge. For example:

• Peyton Manning is actually Hawkeye, with that scary level of accuracy. Or a Life Model Decoy.
• The Giants are now the Bizarro Giants, because obviously someone switched ’em. Call Superman.
• Seemingly the only thing wrong with Kansas City is that garish shade of red they use. It’s also the shade the Imperial Guard used in Return of the Jedi.
• The Browns really are browncoats. Just when things are looking up, they get a bad break. Keep flying.
• I feel like I should make a Tony Romo quip here, but he really played his heart out. Next time, man.

On with the picks! (Winners in italics.)

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I think the Browncoats should adopt the Cleveland Browns as their official NFL team.

Think about it: Both the crew of Serenity (from the series Firefly, for those heathens out there) and the Browns are populated by failures and castoffs. Both are never expected to win. And yet through little more than pluck and ingenuity, they manage to keep their heads above water. 

The Browns are 2-2. Given Cleveland’s record of abysmal failure since rejoining the league after the old Browns decamped to Baltimore, that’s pretty darn good. The 2013 edition has managed to trade its starting running back and put the third-string quarterback in as the starter — and they’re 2-0 since. What’s not to love?

Keep flying, Browns.

On with the picks! (Winner in italics.)

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Last week is an excellent indication of why you should never follow my picks for anything other than entertainment and geek-culture references. A 9-7 record does not, in fact, make me a worthy prognosticator.

Then again, who thought the Giants would meltdown on such an epic scale? Who thought the Browns could win a game after trading their starting running back and starting their third-string quarterback? At least Denver still seems like a lock, with Peyton Manning using Jedi mind tricks to pick apart defenses on a frighteningly consistent basis.

On with the picks! (Projected winners in italics.)

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Boy, was I wrong about Seattle. I thought San Francisco would hand it to them, but at this point, I’d be really hard pressed to pick against the Seahawks at home. Having once lived in Seattle, I know the joy this is bringing to folks out there. There are latte toasts and sushi feasts in the Seahawks’ name in that fair city! (Seriously. The sushi is fantastic. As is the coffee.)

Miami also looks far stronger than history would suggest, and it seems San Diego has some punch, too. I’m really starting to feel bad for the Jacksonville Jaguars, though. They’re the NFL equivalent of a Star Trek  Redshirt — they seem to exist only to be wiped out on a weekly basis. The whole franchise seems hexed.

And Cleveland…oh, Cleveland. The Browns have laid more foundations-for-the-future than the Bricklayer’s Union. So when their starting quarterback goes down with an injury, they put the third-stringer in over the second-stringer — and trade their starting running back. Someone tell me how this is supposed to work without employing a time machine or a sonic screwdriver.

On with the picks! (Predicted winners are in italics.)

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